12 May 2013

Mothers day melancholy

mothers day has yet to make me feel all warm and fuzzy. :(

each year, even though i try not to dwell, this day makes me feel like i dont want special recognition. i dont feel like i do a particularly notable job as a mother, and i also feel guilty that a real gift to me, for this 'holiday', would be a full day away from my regular life and duties. the day is meant for thanking those in our lives who take care of us, sacrifice, who often are the glue of a family and yet all i want to do is to remove myself from it. for one day just to NOT have to do or be the 'mom'. that desire makes me feel worst of all. not that i would wish to stop the holiday or not acknowledge it. a verbal thanks and hug or whatever is nice. a craft from school is fine. even, when X is older, doing a mother-daughter something would be nice. i suppose the best the holiday could be while still feeling like im IN my family would be if i could wake up in the house, alone, and mill around for the morning doing whatever i want. then i could attend a brunch with all other moms of the world who can laugh about what a treat it can be to be away from their families for a meal. then i would do something mother-daughter with X and again get some quiet time. at this point i would arrive at a family dinner that i neither cooked nor had to clean up after, and then we would all sit down to watch a movie. bedtime would be a breeze and i could spend some alone time laughing with dave. yeah. id like that day.

*a few days after drafting the above entry, i reflect to say this...in case it wasnt obvious, i have been experiencing a "down period", but i think mothers day was the beginning of the end of it, once i declared it as a "down period" (to dave and in the above) and daycare was on the horizon, things started looking up. i had about two/three weeks of "down" when we first arrived in january and then i hit a large "up" for quite a while until april arrived. blah. it was hard to do anything but watch tv shows in my spare time. i slacked hardcore on my canada work project and my blogging obviously. but, i hope to be back on track and that the next "down" wont be so large or long lasting. the first major "down" after a huge move seems to always be pretty paralyzing for me. im hoping things are gonna be manageable now. thanks for your patience.

(picture from this mothers day. what you would never know about this picture is that i wore this [basically my pajamas] all day, never left the house. i also had no bra on. but, its a surprisingly nice photo that will be there in the timeline as much as anything else) 


Mary Ann said...

You've been on a massive ( think Cedar Point) roller coaster. And you're doing great. Just great.
Also, I have the same comme ci comme ca attitude about Mothers's Day. But don't tell Dave that.

mom said...

Ditto what Mary Ann said. Very well put.

Lily said...

Your ideal mother's day is probably just what all moms with small kids want! I swear that all of my friends with small kids ask for a morning alone, or a massage alone, or a nap, or time to do nothing at all. I know I asked for alone time both of my first mother's days! In the small kid stage of life, we get so much family time (which is awesome) that when we get the chance to have a break, we want one. Don't beat yourself up. I'm glad you are coming out of a down period. The sun might help with that -- save the difficulty sleeping? Solstice is coming!