28 September 2012

All the leaves are brown, and the sky is grey

okay, not quite (yet), but so soon. its cool here, the leaves are falling, its almost october. we are only here for about 2 months more. holy shit, major change is coming!

a couple nights ago these revelations hit me, and i havent been able to sleep. since april weve just been in a holding pattern. now shit is happening, and its happening to me! one week everything was moving along and now, this week, i feel the immenseness of all the tasks and unknowns that we will be navigating from now until...? im glad this anxiousness didnt hit until now, but ugh, here it is and it feels...as always, blah. im gonna conquer it (i hope) and just try to ride the wave. this is really hard for me, im always in my head, thoughts are always racing. add even a pinch of stress and this process goes into hyper mode. its exhausting. and it makes me feel yucky and alien. it takes over me and i really have to work to wrangle it back to manageable. i do feel like im slowly getting better at it, but its been messy in the learning process.

as i say, the reality of moving hit me a few days ago, but i think the reality of really, truly leaving my friends/family hit me sooner, and i just didnt know what to do with that. recently, i think i freaked the shit out of the bulk of my college friends as i attempted to right some things in my brain, relating to them. it was definitely messy. i came out of nowhere, and i was certainly ineloquent. i think/hope, in the end, i got things righted. it is important for me to square things up with the people in my life before we head out...into the truly unknown.

the reality of this move is that it will be treated as permanent. we wont be moving to the east coast (for example), within driving distance of all the people i love and who know me. i think that scenario was what i had hoped for most when we left ann arbor in october 2008. everything we went through after we left was temporary, so there was no need to address issues of permanence. i assumed i would get back to a place where i could still reattach to a form of my old life and learn to understand the nuances of the (relatively) short distance that separated me from everyone else. but finland isnt close or easy to get to. i will be lucky to get back once a year, for about a week. its just not much time, for anything.

it sucks that i can never offer things that "local" friends/family can. i cant come over and lend a hand while your spouse is out of town. i cant just "be over in a couple minutes". i cant really attend birthday parties or be a part of the everyday things that keep people glued together. its a struggle to figure out what my place is. even things like skyping will be hard since helsinki is 7 hours ahead of the eastern u.s. the best thing i can think of is to just try my best, even when it feels awkward. try to facebook, email, text (assuming we get international plans on our phones), make the rare "skype date", and just try to maintain.

gone but not forgotten, thats what id like to be, since its how i view all my family and friends. i cant think of where else im going with this, but i think i will say: watch out! if i get the pleasure to see you in december, i might be a blobby mess of emotion. all this crap is starting to hit me and i will do my best to sort through it and just ride the wave before i get to you. but, youve been forewarned... ;)

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