and now, for the debut of the reason my blog has been lame for the past two months...im pregnant.
holy crap, ive gone global. im terrible at figuring out a way to express this information to my family and friends, but it feels like nothing to just be typing about it here. i guess because, aside from the few lovely souls who post comments occasionally, i feel like i talk to myself here. its a record of what the hell is going on with me and dave. and when i say hell...ive kinda felt like i was visiting there recently. shocking folks, im about to complain...
mmm, where to start...and how not to make this the longest entry ever...ive got no good ideas, so here goes:
1. yes, it was planned
2. it happened on the first try (ive had something like 50% of my friends with little ones say this exact same thing to me. i guess i joined that club.)
3. i guess my birthday post wasnt too far off...waxing poetic about how i couldnt see into my future...perhaps because this is something new that i cant even begin to predict or imagine...
4. im due may 6-7. if anyone wants to go crazy on the math, this puts conception at before i turned 28. woot. always thought 27 was a good time to start a family. i squeaked in...barely.
5. took the pregnancy test (those things are expensive! like $16 for one stick!) on august 30. positive! dave and i walk around in a daze all evening. my emotions go from guarded skepticism that it could work on the first try, to "okay, dont get too attached, people have miscarriages all the time." i can really light up a situation right?
anyway, i was happy achieving "step 1" and truthfully i wasnt really drowning in worries, just trying not to bounce off the walls. dave was just simply happy. later that night he asked me "so, are you worried about anything?"...i look at him, contain my laughter, and say "of course. whats not to worry about?" then i asked him if he was worried about anything, he says "triplets." my mouth dropped open. multiples hadnt been on my list of worries. then i regained some composure and said, "you arent nervous about twins?" he said "no. there are two of us and two of them and we could handle it." very confident. this ended his list of worries, and ive loved him ever since...lol. :)
6. then i proceed to get many of the items on the "early pregnancy symptoms" list. sore boobs and dizziness are fun, but i didnt even know what was coming.
7. doctors appointment on sept 3 for blood test for pregnancy confirmation signaled the end of week 5 and the nausea hit, and it hit hard. no, i didnt do any vomiting and havent to date (knock on wood). but nausea has been a nightmare to me and it plagued me for weeks. for about 1-2 weeks it was 24 hours. all day people! this shit about morning sickness was made up by liars. it was ALL the time. nothing combated the feeling except trying to make sure my stomach always had food in it so as to at least combat the low blood sugar levels and dizziness that can intensify nausea.
i have been a normally healthy person all my life, never getting super terrible flus, mono, pneumonia, bubonic plague...so this stage was absolutely hellish. i had no ability to stop the symptoms, no foresight to see when relief might come, and not one shred of evidence that i had any control over my body. a robot alien had taken over all functioning of my body but left me conscious and hooked up to a huge pain grid. oh, and did i mention the hunger?
this hunger is like nothing that can be described. again with the robotic feelings. it was like the plant from Little Shop of Horrors had control of my hands, mouth, and stomach but i was being forced to bare witness. there was not one moment where i felt comfortable and full. at first, i could at least still eat most of my normal foods. dave was the master chef and provided me with anything at any time. but alas, it was not fair to torture him at night. i was getting up 3-5 times at night to eat something. and once the smell and food aversions came, it wiped out everything in the "health food" categories and left me with "white food:" potatoes, pasta, bread, cheerios, tortillas, cheese. i feel like im in high school again. although, luckily i still really love fruit. smoothies are the best. i guess im lucky to still have fruit. yay, something positive. severe hunger coupled with only 5 choices of food that didnt make me wanna gag...yeah, joy ride.
8. on sept 10 i had another doc visit just to look at the blood work results and to get a pap smear. this caused 1-2 days of "routine" light bleeding. fun! freaked me out.
9. at this point, the super scary nausea SLOWLY started to dissipate and gave way to mega bloating, heartburn, indigestion, and general fatigue. as much as nausea isnt my friend, mister heartburn is a highly undesirable sidekick. coupled with continued night time nausea, heartburn is not cool. every night was spent propped on a mountain of pillows.
10. other symptoms i was not prepared for: dry skin, headaches, and nasal congestion. minor in comparison, true, but i had never heard of them before. the only thing that has been interesting, semi-welcome, and low on the pain scale: sore boobs. ive finally achieved the chest i thought would be delivered me when i was a teenager. as they are temporary, i will soak in every minute with them.
11. strongest food aversion: cracked black pepper. i can smell it a mile away. i can tell you if even one speck landed in my food. it is gagtastic....and i LOVED it before. ew. just thinking about it is making me sick.
12. oct. 15 was the recent doctors appointment. she said it was a bit early to hear a heartbeat and not to be disappointed if we couldnt find it. but, lo and behold, she found it. a solid 150 bpm. that was at 11 weeks. but, i really felt most comfortable waiting until the end of the trimester to broadcast fully.
i am sure we told virtually no one when they would have liked or expected to have been told, and im sorry. i just have my concerns and personal space and hopefully there are no hard feelings. i also couldnt figure out who would want to know the information from me (via direct email) and who wouldnt mind reading it here. again, apologies. my intention is not to make anyone feel left out. and you can see, i am still processing this and trying to make it a happy time even when i am feeling like crap. telling people a month ago would have just made any congratulations nauseating, literally. to try and be the glowing future mommy people talk about when you are congratulating me on feeling sick just feels off to me. yes, im crazy. but you knew that.
14. i have not been in support of cute nicknames for the "it" attacking me. bean just doesnt describe a thing about this monster. i have taken up a name with multiple layers of usefulness: "nessie vancouver." its unisex (we arent finding out the sex of the kid). like lotus and other awesome choices, i doubt i am going to be able to use vancouver as a future name (dave and i met in vancouver). nessie has two references: most importantly, the loch ness monster, and for all you fellow twilight fans, its the nickname of edward and bellas kid (kick ass!). oh, also, the two-part name reminds me of the wacky hollywood baby names of "moxie crimefighter" or "pilot inspektor" (those are real names, i swear).
15. because i was always an easily bloated person (remember the food babies i could always produce? there are pics out there somewhere i know it), the bloating came fast and furious. at 9 weeks i was forced to buy a bella band so i could continue to wear my normal pants. what the hell, im not investing in new clothes yet! i had planned on having more time to amass a closet of comfy yoga pants. thankfully the bella band has been invaluable, i highly recommend it. i even feel like it has helped, on some days, with the hunger/nausea. supposedly, from my sept 10-oct 15 visit i only gained 4 pounds, but i feel like ive blobbed out beyond control. its just a non-bump, pregnant-limbo feeling, fat time.
16. yes this is, in theory, a happy time. im sure i'll get the mommy magic eraser and forget all about this negativity and spout off about how wonderful pregnancy is to all future pregnant people at some later date. im sure the future poop, barf, and snot machine will provide me with ample reasons to stand up and salute parenthood...right before they rob me blind for a new car, college tuition, wedding money, etc. if you think i am over-the-top bitter, i refer you back to point #1. it was planned. we had thought this through and yes, i brought this on myself. if possible, i think i will be adopting in the future. on some level, im sure i'll be thankful for this time with my body, but it isnt the only way to be a family, and right now i feel like that is an important lesson too.
17. lastly, some websites i find useful:
- when the nausea was the scariest, this website was very thorough
- to give you a useful and clear picture of your dates and what is happening to you and coming in the future, this site is useful
(and guess what? jim and pam are having a kid this season on The Office; and Dexter is having a kid this season too! perfect timing. no word on real life celebs who will be due around the same time as me...keeping a lookout though...)