09 June 2009

I'm laughing at the clouds, so dark up above

mom started her travel home and i returned "home" for one last time.

after a morning spent wandering around our little area by the hotel, we decided to check out and head to the gare du nord to get mom settled for her train ride back to london (plane home on tuesday). after she went through the security area, i set out for my trip back to rennes.

as my train pulled into the station, i could hear the rain blasting against the windows and i chuckled out loud. it was a brittany welcoming rain and i realized it was my last time returning to this place as my home.

getting drenched on the short walk back, i started thinking about getting myself unpacked, reorganized and settled again...but then i had the reminding pang that i was only here for 2 more weeks. im not getting settled, im getting ready to leave. it was (and still is) a hard concept to grasp.

i have just made it through the grey winter and period of unemployment and awkwardness. true, i dont wanna be a teacher anymore and our apartment is horribly spartan, but its already here, and set up, and stable. halifax seems to loom large with more promise, but i still have to be homeless and jobless and friendless and identitiless again. as quickly as these thoughts came, i let the rain wash away the fear and instead chose denial as my prescription to combat the turmoil ahead. although i realize that strategy cant last long...

in the mean time i had blogging, emailing, website reading, and celebrity watching to catch up on. however, this too was equal parts fun and sobering. i am soon reentering the u.s., my native land, but i dont have a home there. my stuff is stacked in storage, my car is in florida, my cat is in dearborn, and my mail is in berkley. i dont have a real handle on what is going on back home and im entering a world where people have regular day jobs and big-person bills to pay. "home" has changed, and ive changed, and i can only assume that, as life goes on, my friends and family have changed. trying not to panic...yes...i can?

(look reese and jake are still going strong. check; still get a surge of pride in my heart when i see UM paraphernalia. check; and patrick dempsey is 150 km away in le mans for the famous 24 of le mans race...what?)

1 comment:

Susan said...

Try not to panic about your upcoming "adventure." Remember that even though all the things you said are true, everyone who means anything to you still loves you very much. I think we have all witnessed a metamorphosis of sorts with you going from catepillar to butterfly. Now, all is possible!!!